Bad Poetry written in Haste

Sorrrow,
Axiomatic
Sorrow,
Pure and relentless
Sorrow,
The underpinning of
Self,
Brutal and primitive
Self,
Failed to be more than
I,
The I that troubles the
Eye,
The eye that troubles the
Mind,
The mind that troubles the
Soul,
Beautiful, resonant
Soul,
All that will ever be
Source of Infinity
Soul of delight though its
Locked in duplicitous
Body,
Joyous and meaningless
Body,
That’s inherently born with a
Flaw,
That sows the idea of
Sorrow,
Tells you everything’s going to
End,
Everything that you hold
Dear,
Everything that you could
Make,
Everything that you could
Know,
Everything that you keep
Safe,
Everything that you will
Love,
Will die in cold reaches of
Space,
And there’s nothing to stop it,
No consciousness here,
The helix is twisted,
The answer’s not there,
And once you remember,
How could you forget,
And how can the world be the
Same?
The constant is
Sorrow.

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The Fight – The Conflict Chakra

I used to have a strange relationship with an outwardly professional, very down-to-earth, to all intents and purposes “normal” girl.

Throughout the relationship she would “try” to get me to hit her. Sometimes she even hit me to try to provoke a violent response. I always thought it was something to do with her Radical Feminist tendencies conspiring to drive me to violence, thus justifying the idea that all men are bastards.

I will interject here and just state that I am aware that the principles of Feminism do not posit that all men are bastards. I am a Feminist. And she was also an enlightened woman, a true Feminist in many ways, and I have a lot of respect for her. She was however plagued by certain negative beliefs born in childhood of her neglect and abuse at the hands of certain prominent male figures in her past.

Aware of this, it seemed a reasonable conclusion to draw that someone who modeled a relatively positive male figure would need to be induced in any way possible to inflict violence upon her in order to fulfil the childhood belief that men are cruel, heartless, purveyors of violence. My conclusions came from observation of behaviours, the study of certain prominent thinkers in the field of psychology previous to these events, and a certain intuitive reasoning. But I am no authority and I could have it totally wrong.

And my thoughts this Winter evening may confirm that. After all, there are plenty of ways to get a man to fulfil the aforementioned criteria without trying to get him to hit you. Why, specifically, did she want me to hit her?

I’ll just interject again, for the sake of my reputation, to say that I never did hit her.

So, recently, as you can see from my previous entry, I have re-acquainted myself with the movie Fight Club (I’m kinda breaking the first two rules here if you take it to extremes!) A master stroke of film making in my humble opinion. That question of etiquette thing – the ass or the crutch dilemma – still sticks in my head to this day, along with certain other pearls of wisdom that rolled off the tongue of Tyler Durden in those couple of hours. It’s Tyler’s alter-ego, played by Christopher Norton in the film, who says, I think, “You never felt more alive than when you were fighting.” And that kinda rings true with what a lot of people say: when you take a big risk you feel alive, that exhilaration, like from bungee jumping, hunting, or whatever. It puts you in touch with something primal, something our button-down society, with its convenience food and ever so polite transactions, fails to deliver. So getting right in there with someone, fighting tooth and nail with nothing but the weapons Nature gave you touches that.

The principle is also advocated in the film Green Street. Elijah Woods’ character says something like “When you realize you’re not made of glass” you lose that fear about speaking your mind and worrying what other people think of you or what you’re doing.

And a fight is not generally mortal to one of the combatants. In the film Rocky IV the kid hits the bully for nicking his jacket, the fight’s finished, the guy gives the jacket back, the two go on about their lives. Countless other films have portrayed the same thing. So it’s obviously an important thing in our collective psyche. And the point, beautifully painted in Fight Club, is that you can even be closer to someone after a fight. Hell, you can even just fight for the feeling of being alive that it promises.

I remember the first time I hit someone. I spent plenty of my school career being termed as “a pussy” because I didn’t like to fight. I was also extremely slow to anger. Then one day a kid got right in my face and, completely unconsciously, I landed a perfect right hook on the side of the guys head and he hit the concrete like he’d been shot. I dropped to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably, shocked, appalled, terrified at what I’d done to another human being. Or so I tell myself. Was I actually feeling a huge in-rushing of “Life” that I’d never felt before and which was so completely overwhelming to my twelve-year-old self that I was reduced to tears?

I never got a chance to test this theory because a) I’ve only just come up with it, and b) after the other kids had seen that, I was afforded a level of respect which meant I didn’t need to prove myself again. And to this day I’ve never been in a situation that demanded physical intervention. Now that’s probably mostly due to my disposition – Watch the weather change… Sorry, I happen to be listening to Lateralus at this moment – and the fact that I’m not a fan of violence… and probably also because I’ve spent a good part of my adult life taking downers that suppress those instincts. But, to someone who doesn’t take drugs, could that in-rushing of life become addictive. I should think so!

So one wonders if my ex wasn’t seeking a “hit” of sorts that mirrored my need to anaesthetise; a release, an exorcism, an act that gave her the feeling that she was still alive. And who could blame her? If I didn’t take drugs I’d do something drastic to “feel” something.

One of the reasons I’m not prone to getting into fights is that you don’t know where they can end up. It’s no longer, as with some previous generations I’ve spoken to, that you have a disagreement with someone, get your fists out, slug a few to each other and when a guy goes down you pull him up and shake hands. Now there’s a pretty good chance that if you get into a fight, once you hit the deck the guys mates will pile in and break every bone you’ve got. Or someone decides to pull a knife or some other such weapon to bring an edge of fatality to their violence hit.

Is it any wonder? If you suppress urges they magnify, fester, grow ugly and perverted, and manifest ten times worse in spite of your best efforts to bottle them up.

We are so out of tune with ourselves and our surroundings and etiquette demands you keep a lid on all that shit you’re feeling and plaster on a smile for the sake of everyone else; no fucking wonder kids ever more frequently pull out GUNS on their fellow brothers and sisters. The Doublethink forced down our throats is vicious: video games and TV, tabloids and friday nights are exponentially more graphically, narcissistically, gratuitously violent than certainly I have ever seen; and yet they don’t embody the true expression one gets from being understood, rather they distract you from connecting with people around you; and then coming down from on high the politicians peddle wars while all the time calling for world peace! FUCK YOU!

A well armed populace is the best defense against tyranny…

I don’t believe in guns but I believe a populace should be taught to deal with these violent urges that manifest in each of us differently. I’m not sure how yet but I’ll figure it out at some point. I know it won’t be delivered by the people in charge: they thrive on us being divided and conflicted about tearing at each others’ throats while desperately trying to be tolerant of everyone!

Then again, maybe a militia is what we need. Peaceful protest doesn’t seem to achieve an awful lot in this day and age; they seem to keep fucking us no matter who’s in power.

At the very least the fight should be reclaimed as a reasonably safe method of solving differences. I’m sure it would weed out this nasty litigious virus we’ve got. The idea of beating someone to within an inch of their life is abhorrent, and, I’m pretty sure, is abhorrent to every man, woman, and child on the planet. Something in your bones just screams “No!” On the other hand, sometimes you just want to smack someone in their bigoted mouth when they are shooting it off about something… And my point is someone should be able to, and even supported in this act, without fear of being beaten to death.

“Third Rule of Fight Club: someone yells ‘Stop’, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.”

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful end to a film than when those credit card buildings (with no one in them, I stress) come crashing down as the culmination of Project Mayhem’s activities. And then the Pixies comes in. Happy Day…

Well, I’m off to my friend’s house to see if he’ll hit me as hard as he can.

In the world I see – you're stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.

In the world I see – you’re stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You’ll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You’ll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you’ll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.

Debt Collectors – The Clue Is In The Name, Douchebag

Dear Sir

We have recently taken on this account from such-and-such a company and would now like you to make payment of DOUBLE the amount that you owed such-and-such to us…

Well, DUH! Retard. If you’re stupid enough to BUY an account that hasn’t been settled then you have a really bad grasp of business.

If I didn’t pay those guys what makes you think I’m gonna pay you?

I don’t have any possessions of note (except my guitar, no pun intended, and you can try and pry that from my cold dead hands), I don’t have a house (because in the country of my birth property prices are far beyond the reach of many of my generation) so I don’t see how you can really do anything to me. Thankfully, under the Geneva Convention or some such document of Human Rights, YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME!

And let’s be honest, we both know that we’re dealing with fictitious money in this sense. I mean SKY are really no worse off because I don’t pay my bill: they were charging me for thin air really (interestingly, they grossly inflated my bill, hah, hence the lack of payment), ’cause if my subscription fee truly mattered they’d take all that nauseous, cancerous advertising off their service. And you just went and paid them for me anyway, in the vain hope that I might be coerced and threatened into paying you a) more than you paid SKY for my account and b) an extra hundred and fifty odd pounds for sending me a letter and, Oh, BooHoo, solicitor’s fees. You need a solicitor to advise you in this situation? I doubt it. I think we might consider that we’re dealing with fictitious money in this case as well.

Go talk to my so-called Government, who’ve managed to run up a bill higher than I could possibly hope to achieve in maybe a hundred lifetimes to the power of nuts, and tell them to clean house. When they’ve got that situation under control, which may well bring about a set of circumstances where their citizens – whom, I might remind you and them, they are supposed to serve and protect and who put them there and pay for them to stay there in the first place – a set of circumstances where their citizens can afford to buy a house IN THEIR OWN COUNTRY, then I’ll be glad to address this issue you have with me.

Until then, stop trying to make a quick buck on other people’s – that is, by the way, your genetic brothers and sisters – difficulties and start trying to be part of the solution rather than the problem. (No, South Park fans, I did not close my eyes when writing that last line, nor did I partake deeply of my own flatulence!)

If anyone reading this is facing debt problems, please remember they are bullshitting you at every turn; how dare they try and charge you when they chose to take on the debt! You never took out any agreement with them, you never forced them to take on the debt, and if they try to play hardball, tell them you can’t afford to pay them any more than a penny a month, or an amount you feel comfortable with. Your credit rating will even repair itself remarkably quickly if you do this (rather than just ignore them like I do) because THEY WANT YOU TO BORROW MONEY! They will have even bought your debt… WITH DEBT, so they’re not even spending real money!

The other thing to remember is that all OUR money that sits in banks all day and night is earning THEM money – millions, and billions, and trillions, and squillions, and godzillions of pounds, and they still want the 20-40% of your wages that go in taxes to pay the debt run up by the treasury when it borrowed the money to issue to the country, i.e. you and me, FROM THE FUCKING BANKS! So where the hell do they get off charging us money when we go a few pounds over our overdraft or we’re late with a payment? They have that cushy lifestyle because we give them our money to play with. They should be paying us!

Ideally though, my fellow beings of wave and particle energy, don’t borrow money from people (although I hesitate to call them that because I’m fairly sure people are born with intrinsic compassion and if you lose that you no longer deserve the name of human. Blake said “…Everything that lives is holy.” but I don’t think, prophetic as he was, he’d counted on the HellHounds sending out these bile-soaked debt collection requests) unless they’re not gonna charge you interest. If you really want that new thing, save for it; my parents’ generation (that is born during or just after the Second World War) did, for the most part, and they honestly seem no worse off for it. Sure, I know they got their own set of screw-ups but they generally bought things when they could afford them which, in turn, teaches one a sense of value, not just of the things one then owns but in the wider context of one’s self and environment! There is a definite link between the debt you have and the esteem you hold yourself in, and that’s fucking huge when you consider that anyone who wants to go to University now comes out with debts that can equal what my Dad paid for his house in 1969! 69, dudes! I really can’t understand why our “Great” nation could fall so far behind the rest of the civilised world in terms of educational standards… and then have the fucking nerve to charge for this abominable, lip-curling, gut-wrenching state of affairs.

My, what a can of worms you’ve opened Mr Debt Collector!

Finally, dearest siblings of love and light, even better than the aforementioned “Ideally”: realise you have everything you need to feel complete right there inside yourself, and no amount of spending fictitious money on polished turds can compare with the beauty that can exist within the free mind, body, and soul of every single human being; and if you haven’t got time to meditate or whatever, bosch a load of mushrooms! It ain’t hard and it’s certainly a great shortcut!

If we can take a few steps in the proposed direction then maybe we’ll get out of this larcenous, isolationist, hierarchical, sexually-brutalising, destiny-hijacking, disease-propagating, spirit-killing PIT OF LIES that we all seem to take for the natural state of democracy. Then maybe our culture will change from one of scarcity to one of plenty… FOR ALL!

I’m a dreamer… But I’m not the only one

It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do ANYTHING...

It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do ANYTHING…