Debt Collectors – The Clue Is In The Name, Douchebag

Dear Sir

We have recently taken on this account from such-and-such a company and would now like you to make payment of DOUBLE the amount that you owed such-and-such to us…

Well, DUH! Retard. If you’re stupid enough to BUY an account that hasn’t been settled then you have a really bad grasp of business.

If I didn’t pay those guys what makes you think I’m gonna pay you?

I don’t have any possessions of note (except my guitar, no pun intended, and you can try and pry that from my cold dead hands), I don’t have a house (because in the country of my birth property prices are far beyond the reach of many of my generation) so I don’t see how you can really do anything to me. Thankfully, under the Geneva Convention or some such document of Human Rights, YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME!

And let’s be honest, we both know that we’re dealing with fictitious money in this sense. I mean SKY are really no worse off because I don’t pay my bill: they were charging me for thin air really (interestingly, they grossly inflated my bill, hah, hence the lack of payment), ’cause if my subscription fee truly mattered they’d take all that nauseous, cancerous advertising off their service. And you just went and paid them for me anyway, in the vain hope that I might be coerced and threatened into paying you a) more than you paid SKY for my account and b) an extra hundred and fifty odd pounds for sending me a letter and, Oh, BooHoo, solicitor’s fees. You need a solicitor to advise you in this situation? I doubt it. I think we might consider that we’re dealing with fictitious money in this case as well.

Go talk to my so-called Government, who’ve managed to run up a bill higher than I could possibly hope to achieve in maybe a hundred lifetimes to the power of nuts, and tell them to clean house. When they’ve got that situation under control, which may well bring about a set of circumstances where their citizens – whom, I might remind you and them, they are supposed to serve and protect and who put them there and pay for them to stay there in the first place – a set of circumstances where their citizens can afford to buy a house IN THEIR OWN COUNTRY, then I’ll be glad to address this issue you have with me.

Until then, stop trying to make a quick buck on other people’s – that is, by the way, your genetic brothers and sisters – difficulties and start trying to be part of the solution rather than the problem. (No, South Park fans, I did not close my eyes when writing that last line, nor did I partake deeply of my own flatulence!)

If anyone reading this is facing debt problems, please remember they are bullshitting you at every turn; how dare they try and charge you when they chose to take on the debt! You never took out any agreement with them, you never forced them to take on the debt, and if they try to play hardball, tell them you can’t afford to pay them any more than a penny a month, or an amount you feel comfortable with. Your credit rating will even repair itself remarkably quickly if you do this (rather than just ignore them like I do) because THEY WANT YOU TO BORROW MONEY! They will have even bought your debt… WITH DEBT, so they’re not even spending real money!

The other thing to remember is that all OUR money that sits in banks all day and night is earning THEM money – millions, and billions, and trillions, and squillions, and godzillions of pounds, and they still want the 20-40% of your wages that go in taxes to pay the debt run up by the treasury when it borrowed the money to issue to the country, i.e. you and me, FROM THE FUCKING BANKS! So where the hell do they get off charging us money when we go a few pounds over our overdraft or we’re late with a payment? They have that cushy lifestyle because we give them our money to play with. They should be paying us!

Ideally though, my fellow beings of wave and particle energy, don’t borrow money from people (although I hesitate to call them that because I’m fairly sure people are born with intrinsic compassion and if you lose that you no longer deserve the name of human. Blake said “…Everything that lives is holy.” but I don’t think, prophetic as he was, he’d counted on the HellHounds sending out these bile-soaked debt collection requests) unless they’re not gonna charge you interest. If you really want that new thing, save for it; my parents’ generation (that is born during or just after the Second World War) did, for the most part, and they honestly seem no worse off for it. Sure, I know they got their own set of screw-ups but they generally bought things when they could afford them which, in turn, teaches one a sense of value, not just of the things one then owns but in the wider context of one’s self and environment! There is a definite link between the debt you have and the esteem you hold yourself in, and that’s fucking huge when you consider that anyone who wants to go to University now comes out with debts that can equal what my Dad paid for his house in 1969! 69, dudes! I really can’t understand why our “Great” nation could fall so far behind the rest of the civilised world in terms of educational standards… and then have the fucking nerve to charge for this abominable, lip-curling, gut-wrenching state of affairs.

My, what a can of worms you’ve opened Mr Debt Collector!

Finally, dearest siblings of love and light, even better than the aforementioned “Ideally”: realise you have everything you need to feel complete right there inside yourself, and no amount of spending fictitious money on polished turds can compare with the beauty that can exist within the free mind, body, and soul of every single human being; and if you haven’t got time to meditate or whatever, bosch a load of mushrooms! It ain’t hard and it’s certainly a great shortcut!

If we can take a few steps in the proposed direction then maybe we’ll get out of this larcenous, isolationist, hierarchical, sexually-brutalising, destiny-hijacking, disease-propagating, spirit-killing PIT OF LIES that we all seem to take for the natural state of democracy. Then maybe our culture will change from one of scarcity to one of plenty… FOR ALL!

I’m a dreamer… But I’m not the only one

It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do ANYTHING...

It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do ANYTHING…

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